What Stays With You

I look back all the time and think:

How did I let myself get to that point?

The point where I threw caution to the wind.

The point where one choice led to an addiction.

On one hand, it feels like I didn’t have a choice.

I was in pain.

I had to work.

I had to pay bills.

I had to push forward every single day.

On the other hand, I see no excuse.

I knew the dangers—despite what the doctors were saying.

“As long as you take everything how it’s prescribed, you’ll be fine,” they said.

And I believed it.

That’s something that still sticks with me.

I know what I was trying to outrun:

• My parents’ divorce.

• A ruined hip.

• Crushed dreams.

• Childhood abuse.

But I also know I wasn’t the only one going through it.

I remember how stressed I was—so stressed my heart literally started skipping beats.

I went to a cardiologist.

He basically laughed at me.

Said I was young and healthy, just nervous.

Feeling like there’s no cure for what’s wrong with you…

It makes you feel like you have to figure it out alone.

And when I look back, I still ask myself:

• Why didn’t you tell someone sooner?

• Why did you stay in it for so long?

• How could you let it get that bad?

It scares me to think about.

Because it was my fault.

I could’ve done things differently.

I should have.

But when you’re in it, it’s like being lost at sea—treading water, no clue which way to swim for shore.

When I think back now, these are the things I still wrestle with.

I kept quiet for so long because I kept thinking:

What if I tell the world I conquered this—and then I fall again?

I never thought I could become an addict in the first place.

So what if it happens again?

I put a lot of work into making sure it wouldn’t.

I planned on staying quiet my whole life.

But the thought that my story could help someone else…

That’s the thought I couldn’t shake.

If you’re anything like me, I’m here to tell you:

There is hope.

You can leave that old life behind.

You can walk forward without dragging your past with you.

Some people might not let you forget it.

Some people will always want to hold on to the version of you that made them feel better about themselves.

That’s their problem—not yours.

You can learn to resolve things internally over time.

You can build peace, even when the world around you stays messy.

I still wrestle with it sometimes.

My story isn’t the one I wanted.

But it’s mine.

And I’m learning to carry it without shame.

It still hurts—not every day, but sometimes.

And that’s okay.

If this is you too, just know:

You’re not alone.

You can’t change the past.

But you can change your present.

And that’s enough